Tonight was a really good night. I spent some time with my friend, Susannah and really enjoyed myself.

Got home… Justin got home around 1am. He tells me that he will officially be down to 25 hours a week starting next week. He’s done doing nightly shifts as of tomorrow. *cry*

Got an e-mail from a very important person telling me how disappointed they were with me. Same person who didn’t accept or return my call earlier this week (Mind you I hadn’t read the e-mail at that point… so she probably assumed I was calling about that). I HATE disappointing people. Especially those who are important to me. But.. regarding money, of course, I’m just at a loss.

What am I supposed to do? I am working 50-60 hours a week trying to make enough money to pay bills, buy groceries, etc. And I’m barely making that happen. I haven’t been home since October, and even then it was literally for 2 days. I hate it out here. I am *FINALLY* making friends that I like and want to actually let into my life and I can’t even let myself into my life. How am I supposed to let them in?

I hate being a ‘grown up’. I hate living 8 zillion miles away from everyone and everything that I love. I hate not knowing how I’m going to get to work day to day. I hate public transportation. I hate phones. I hate e-mail. I hate 2008.. and 2009. I hate crying.

Tomorrow is my day off. What a way to start.

“Dear Girlfriend,
How are you? I miss you. Feels like I haven’t seen you in forever. I love you!
-Boyfriend”

It has been a super long week and he’s not exaggerating. It really *FEELS* like it has been forever since I’ve actually gotten to see him for more than 10 minutes.

A real update will be coming shortly. I promise. I have Wednesday-Friday off.

Much Love,
Jackie aka Girlfriend

I started my new job yesterday. I was so nervous and excited to start. I worked a 7 hour shift yesterday. Basically I stood around the whole time just watching so that I can actually start working today. Super stoked to actually DO something instead of just watch. Yesterday I did get to update the college boards for next week. That was pretty exciting. I can’t really explain it all that well, but I enjoyed it.

Other than that, here’s a further update:

Payless:

• I quit, as you all know. I didn’t have an end date as I was unsure of my schedule with the new job. Last week Tuesday was supposed to have been my last day.
• Tuesday was not my last day. My boss got a call that she was on Total Temporary Disability. As in, she can no longer work until she is 100% healthy according to the doctors she is seeing. That could be a while. I hope that she is feeling well and taking close care of herself. I really do.
• Being that she will not be in the store for an unknown time, she needed all the help she could get. I took one of her shifts that same week and told her that my new job only requires me to work 4 days a week (10 hour shifts each day generally). Because of that, if she’d like to keep me around 1 day a week, I’d be more than happy to do that. It’d be nice to have the extra $40 each week or so just for gas or whatever.

The Apartment:

• Life is still an adjustment. Again, it’s nothing to do with who the roommates are, it’s just a new experience for me. I’m learning to be a good roommate and learning to adjust to having roommates myself.
• I still feel as though I don’t really ‘live’ here. I’m just a permanent guest. I’ve tried to explain how I feel to Justin and to my other roommate, Candace. I don’t think they really understand. I think it’s just a personal issue that I’m going to have to get past. Stuff does not define space. Even though nothing in here (except my laptop and hope chest) is mine, I am still a tenant and should be allowed my own space. I have to learn to enjoy spending time in our room by myself.
• Justin and I have had an interesting week. It was pretty bad one night. I was even considering leaving. Going home.. or asking my uncle to stay with him for a little while. Justin and I have an interesting way of dealing with our issues. It’s not really the best, I don’t think… but.. it works for us. Sometimes it’s so frustrating. But I know that is partially my own fault. Neither of us are great at confrontation. I spent the majority of one day being quite depressed and avoided contact, other than verbal, with him all together. The next day we semi-talked about the issue. And the third day, a new issue arises and we solved it all. Things are good. We’re still taking it pretty cool. But.. it was better than I thought it would amount to.

Trip home:

• I got to go home to Minnesota about a week and a half ago. It was a VERY short trip. But it was well worth it. Mom paid for the tickets (a grand total of $85.50). The price was right and we both missed each other terribly. I missed everything. Even though it was so short, it’s nice to know that down the road, once I’m comfortable with my new job, I can hopefully afford to do that myself. Even if it’s just a short weekend type thing.
• Thanks to everyone who made my quick trip possible (especially Mom, Dad, Heather, Ben, and Christy).
• Thanks to everyone who made an effort to see me (especially Kiki, Jason, Mike, and everyone).
• I feel pretty rotten that I didn’t get a chance to see everyone that I had hoped. Lori, know that I miss you like crazy. Next time that I do get home, I think we need to do a girls day. Kate, Russ, and baby, I’d have liked to at least tried, but with the time frame I was home and how quickly it happened after the birth, I didn’t think it’d have been right even getting your hopes up that I’d have made it. And extended family, you all know who you are, next time I’m home for longer than 2 days, I want to make a serious effort to make it to all of you. Hopefully we can work it out so we can meet in the ‘middle’ but if not, I want to try to make it out to see each of you.  I love you all, family and friends, and wish that I could be there more.

I suppose. That felt good to update.

Miss you all and love you dearly.
Jackie

• The Good: I went to my meeting with my new boss at Leroys. I got a TON of paperwork to fill out and manuals to read. My boss is incredible. I think I will really enjoy working with him. I need to call him first thing Monday. Or maybe tomorrow, as I think he works weekends. I have to go across town to get my fingerprints done for my gaming authority thing. Problem with that is that I have no car and no way of getting there before I go home Wednesday.
• The Better: I’m going home next week. I checked ticket prices as I had been talking to Christy about going home or her coming here to visit. Tickets were $29 each way so I called Mom and she booked them for me. She’s amazing. It’ll be a quick trip. Only 46 hours in MN. But it will be totally worth it.
• The Bad: I drove back from my meeting and went straight to the radio station to pick Justin up from work. I pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car as it has been getting hot lately, and called him to let him know I was there. I went upstairs to his door and he met me out front. We walked back down to the car, not even 2 minutes later, and nothing happens when we turn the key. We are carless. Awesome. Terrible.

Thursday:

I have to be to work by 1pm. Without a car, I decided to give the public transportation a try. I plan my trip on the website. It says I have to be to my first stop by 11:22 a.m. to make it to work by 1pm. Okay. Sounds like a plan. I got there about 5 minutes early. Waited for what felt like forever. The bus was about 5 minutes late. Got on the bus. Didn’t have a CLUE what I was doing. Ended up having to waste $2.50 on a second ticket because it doesn’t make change. Lame. Whatever. Bus gets to my stop and I ask the busdriver for reassurance as to what I am supposed to do. She says the stop I need it across the street and to the left. Okay.

Go to it… There is NO shade. NO seat. Nothing. The closest thing to me is and Adult Store. Joy. I was about 10 minutes late according to what the trip planner said. Obviously I missed the second bus because the first was late. I start walking as I call Dewey in tears. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where I am. I’m at LEAST a mile and a half from work if I had a straight shot… but of course the 95 is in the way. I can’t exactly cross the 95 by foot…. So I walk along the bus path as Dewey is trying to figure out where I am and when the next bus will be there. He can’t figure it out. Finally his mom calls him and she offers to pick me up and take me the rest of the way to work. “Where are you? What are your cross streets?” Uhm… I don’t know. I have NEVER been to this part of town. (Mind you it was a very nice part of town. I’d say upper-middle class range. I wasn’t scared of what might happen. I was just freaking out because I had no idea where I was and I had already probably walked a mile or so.) So I finally got to a ‘major’ cross street and called Donna. She picked me up at a Walgreens. Turns out I was probably another 15 minute walk to work. Which is better by car, let me tell you.

Moral of that story: Public Transportation in Las Vegas blows. Big… BIG chunks.

Friday/Saturday/Forever-more Probably…:

I am homesick. Part of it is probably because going home is coming next week. But the rest of it is that I hate life here. I love my job. And I love some of the people I’ve met. I’m looking forward to starting my new job. But I cannot live at my means out here. I mean.. I have bills coming out of EVERYWHERE. I can’t get on top of things. I moved out here with a completely clean slate (except for school loans, of course). And now I’m close to 15,000 in debt total. Only half of that is school loans. The rest is medical and credit crap.

How am I supposed to make things work when half of my months pay goes to rent/house bills? The rest has to go towards gas and food if I expect to make it to work and such. And now with Dewey’s car dead… I don’t even know what we’re going to do. I obviously can’t afford a car. And he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. My roommates have been helping us both with transportation… but that’s going to come to an end quicker than we think. I mean.. Brandon’s got a job now (two of them actually) and should be starting his new job this week, I’d expect. And Candace has a job. I work 8 miles (by freeway) from our place. And obviously can’t count on public transportation.

*sigh* I’m losing hope. I made more money working at Runnings than I do out here. And hopefully I will be making more at Leroys… but in all truthfulness, I’m counting a lot on tips to make that happen. And who knows. I mean sometimes it will work out.. but what about weeks where I make NOTHING in tips? Then what?

I miss home. I miss my family. I miss having *real* friends who I can talk to about stuff. I love the people I’ve met here… but I don’t have that type of relationship with any of them. I don’t think that they would reject me, but I just don’t feel that bond that I do with my friends from back in MN. I miss being able to afford to do things.

But I can’t just go back to MN. If I leave here… I leave my future with Justin. I’d be giving up on someone who has meant so much to me in the last 3.5 years. He and I already know that long-distance will not work for us. I nearly ended it with him before I moved out because it was just too hard. Would I be able to live without him? I mean.. yeah.. I probably could.. But do I really want to? Do I really want to give up on that?

I just hate that I have NO one to talk to here. And although I really like Candace and Brandon, I hate having roommates. Nothing against them, they’ve been great roommates and have gone above and beyond their call to help us, especially in the last week… but it’s a space thing. I was already having issues with space with Justin when it was just us because everything we had was his. And now it’s only tripled. Everything in this apartment is someone else’s. Except my laptop (which is on the fritz, again) and my hopechest.

I’m just lost. I need a map. And one with good directions.

So I quit payless. I haven’t figured out when my last day will be, but.. I went in and talked to the boss yesterday. It was pretty awful, really. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it… but I did. No tears. A couple of pouty faces between the both of us. heh. She was pretty understanding and let me know that she understood. But she was pretty bummed, too. Ah well.. here’s to new life.

Today, I have a meeting with my new boss at Leroys. Exciting. I’m nervous, but what can I do? I’ll go in and be confident and strut my stuff and prove that I’m going to be a good employee. I just hope this all pans out the way it’s supposed to. Potentially, I can make nearly double… possibly even triple what I’m making a month at Payless. So.. let’s do this!

Life otherwise is pretty good. I got over the strep and stuff. Then I got another cold. Right now I’m still sort of taking the cold down. I am still a little mucusy (sp?). It’s great.

I will probably try to update tomorrow to see what’s the hap. Love you all.

Jackie

I called my uncle earlier this week. I was so nervous. I was on my lunch break sitting on the outside patio by BajaFresh. My finger was on the call button for like.. 3 minutes before I actually did it. But, I did. And it was a good thing that I did. I talked to Ray and asked if he knew of any place that was hiring. If his company was or if his wife’s company was. And asked if he would be willing to help me try to find a better paying, more secure job. He said he was going out of town for a few days but to meet him at the SouthPoint casino at around 9:30 Friday morning.

I was thrilled that it went as smooth as it did. I got my resume together and had Justin print me a copy at the station. Friday came and I woke up a bit too early.. but made my way down to the SouthPoint. The drive is a bit much, nearing an hour or so, but I wanted to for sure give myself enough time just in case traffic was heavy or the car had trouble. So anyway, I got there and was about 45 minutes early.. so I stuck a 20 in the slots. I ended up being about $15 up. Neat. Helped me to calm my nerves and relax a bit.

9:15 rolls around and I figure, what the heck. I’ll just get over there. Better to be early than late. I walked over to where he said to meet him. I asked for him and I must have been blind. If I had actually looked, I would have recognized him. He looks almost identical to my grandpa, only with darker hair. He shook my hand and said to hold on a minute. He came back with an application. He asked to look at my resume. He sat me down and read it over and thought it looked pretty good. Neat. I started working on the application with his name as a reference. While I was doing that, he took off and got me a bottle of water and was doing something else. He came back with a few extra copies of my resume.

He looked over my application and attatched one of my resumes to it. Then he started talking about a couple of opportunities for me. He said his wife knows a lady at Harrah’s who is looking for a Starbucks manager. I said I’d never done any sort of food service type work (or beverage) but that I’d be willing to give it a go. I knew the company was good as one of Justin’s cousins works for a Starbucks back in Sioux Falls.

Then he said that his old company, that he had previously worked for for 12 years, might be looking for ticket writers. He gave me their information and a contact to talk to when I go down to fill out the application.  Great. He said this position probably isn’t the best paying. Close to what I am making now, actually. But that there is a possibility that I could make around $1,000 extra every two weeks in tips alone. WHOA. Incredible. Seriously. Brandon and I are going to head down that way next Tuesday, I believe.

Finally, he said that the SouthPoint wasn’t officially hiring, but that with his name attatched, it wouldn’t hurt to turn it in anyway. He also said he kept a copy of my resume to make some more copies of so he can give them to specific people there. We walked down to Human Resources. A bigger man followed us and started talking to Ray. Turns out this was the owner of the cainso. Whoa. Cool.  Anyway, we got to Human Resources. I turned it in and talked to the lady. He seems pretty well respected. She asked if I wanted anything specific as they weren’t actively hiring, it would be better to put something down so they can file it correctly. I put down Gift Shop/ Reservations because those are the two areas I’d be most comfortable. The lady in HR asked Ray if he knew such and such at Reservations. Later he told me that was a good sign, and probably meant that she was looking for someone. That was one of the people he was going to give my resume to personally anyway. Good.

SO: Meeting my uncle was a really good experience. He must have taken some time to really think about helping me out and where he could help me get a job. I appreciated that more than he understands. I am hoping that I hear back about any of the jobs soon enough, but it would also be cool to sit down for supper or something with Ray and his wife. Let’s not get carried away, though. This was a great start.

On the other hand of the job hunt. I am so happy where I am at Payless. The only downfall is that there hasn’t been any possibility of moving up. Last week was the DM visit for the month. I guess there is a sudden possibility. But with the recent job finds (thanks to Ray), I can’t just stop looking because they think I might be moving up soon. I mean.. I’ve waited for so long. And as soon as I start looking for something else is when they start thinking about me. It’s a bit frustrating.
Anywho… THat was my quick update for today. I have to get going and shower. I should probably try to eat something and take some ibuprofin before I go to work, too. Blah. Cramping is no fun.

I’ll try to get back here soon and let you all know what else is going on in the life of Jackie.

Much love,
Jackie

Oy.

Good times to at least cheer me up a bit.

So I got a shot in my butt and a prescription for ibuprofen and penicillin. Joyous.

Here’s the kicker, though. He says I can’t go back to work til the 29th. What the heck am I going to do at home until the 29th?!?! Seriously? I’m starving, but I can’t eat a damn thing. I’ve lost 5 lbs in the last 3 days, that’s good.. but I have no energy to work out. And no appetite to eat. I’m going to sit here and rot. I feel awful because it is the busiest weekend at work all year. The weekend before school. I had to leave and probably got a few others sick. Judy said her throat was really sore. i told her to look for white pockets when she has a chance. That’ll let her know one way or another.

So anyway, family and friends, I hate to do it to you, but if you’ve got a few bucks lying around and can spare it to help a girl who can’t work for an entire week *shakes fists at doctor*, let me know. I have paypal and a bankaccount so either way we can mesh something out.

Say your prayers for me and the rest of the Payless Gang.

Jackie

So what is it this time? Pretty sure it’s just strep throat. But it’s worse than I’ve ever had it before. My whole body is in complete agony. My chest feels pressure. My arms are sore. My back is sore. My head feels like a ton of bricks flew into it. And then my throat of course. White pockets and all. All logic says it’s strep but it hit hard and fast and all mean-like. Jackie no likey.

So I will be going into the doctor at 9 in the morning. Hopefully they will let me bill again as I have no moneys for the appointment. Hopefully Justin will be able to pay for my prescription, also. I hate my life. Seriously. I just need a new, better paying job. What the heck is stopping me?

I am seriously thinking of calling Dear Uncle to see if he can get me a job in one of the casinos. It’d be the best bet for me. I’d hate to leave Payless… but if it’s what I’d have to do to get myself on track.. then I need to do it.

Why am I awake at 4:40 in the morning. Damn aching. It just won’t go away. *cry* It’s times like these that I wish I was home with my mom. She’d make everything better for sure.

*sigh* Anyway. I suppose I should go for now. I’ll talk to you all later.

Much Love,
Jackie

I’d like to think that I am at least a decent friend, however. I’d like to think that my friends feel as though I care about them. Just because I don’t call doesn’t mean I am not thinking about you. Just because I use the internet for communication doesn’t mean I’m a coward.

It was brought to my attention that I am not a good friend. It really took me by surprise to hear all the different ways that I have let someone down. I think the worst part about this was not knowing that I was hurting them throughout most of this.

I guess what I don’t understand with friendships is if and when something is wrong with me, why I am not getting told. If I am failing you as a friend, don’t let it build up to the point that you don’t want me as a friend at all. Let me know so that I can change to be a better friend.

I guess what hurts the most in this realization, is that I don’t have a lot of friends the way it is. I have 3-4 people back home who I had considered friends. Real friends. The ones that I expected to always be there and to always call me out when I was crappy. Out here, in Vegas, I have met people through work who are great and I would call them friends… but my friendships here haven’t reached that level of friendship that I thought I had with my ‘friends’ back home. To know that I have one less of those friendships is really hard to swallow.

So.. I suppose what I am saying is: If I’m doing something wrong please tell me. Know that just because I don’t call, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you. Know that just because we haven’t talked for weeks or even a month or two, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. Know that I am TERRIBLE at communication and that I’m working on it, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get better. Honestly. I want to be a good friend, I really do. I want to be the friend that you’re looking for.. but without guidance, I can’t be more than I am.

More often than not I feel that I can never give enough. No matter how hard I try to be a good friend, there’s something more I should have done to be better. And, again, I will be the first to say that as far as friendships and relationships in general go, I am not the best. I have a lot of growing to do.

So… all in all… if I have hurt you in any way, I apologize. Those of you who I am talking about most likely know who you are. I would never intentionally put a friendship on the rocks. I would never intentionally hurt someone. I’m just not that person. I’m doing the best I can. Take it or leave it.

Hopefully yours,
Jackie

Here’s another update. Just for you. Yes… you.

We are officially in our new place. If you’d like the new address, it’s the same as before. The apartment number is the only thing that changed. Instead of 2040, it is now 2027. So if you want to send me gifts or something (just kidding) remember 2027.

I was really nervous about the move before it took place. Now that we are here and settled with the new roommates, I am more than content. But here’s a play by play of the happenings before and after the move.

Tuesday the 29^th I went with a friend (Ashley from work) to a concert featuring Phantom Planet, Jacks Mannequin, and Paramore. It was a great show and I was very glad to have gone. Even with all the hub-bub of finding a parking spot a half mile away. Hehe. When I got back to the apartment, Candace and Brandon had arrived. With the living room being the only other room of our old apartment, they had camped out and made themselves as at home as you can on the floor of a living-room. We couldn’t move into our new place until the 2^nd. The next couple of days were a bit rough with the extra stuff in the apartment and trying to get everything settled for the move.

Saturday rolls around and we can finally move into the new apartment. We wake up as a group and go down to the front office to get our new keys. The lady we’d been working with to get the transfer settled wasn’t working and the guy working tries to tell us that we were supposed to be out of our other apartment by the night before. How would that have even been possible? Crazy. Anyway, we ignore him and continue to get our move on. Brandon, one of Justin’s co-workers, came to help with some of the big items as he had a Durango and loves us enough to help. So while Justin and Brandon were doing that, the other Brandon, Candace, and I moved from our cars. Brandon and Candace did their stuff first and then unpacked a bit and continued to help Justin and I. We were very pleased that our new roomies were as helpful as they were. In between moving, I cleaned the walls and vacuumed the old apartment making it as clean as possible.

I won’t lie to you, I HATE moving and will do what I can to never have to move again. It was the hottest, most awful day of my life. I was sweaty and sunburnt and felt lazy at the same time. Hard to explain unless you were there. Poor Justin had been called into work the night before so he had to move on less than 4 hours of sleep. He suffered from heat stroke and had to take it easy for a couple of hours. We did our best and were completely done moving (except for the couch) by around 6. Shortly thereafter, our friend Juan came with his truck to help us move the couch. Juan had expected us to be moving across town or something, so he was pleasantly surprised to find we were only moving across the complex. Moving the couch took about a half hour or so.

After that was done, our new roomies treated us to pizza. It was basically the first meal any of us had eaten all day. After pizza, we all went swimming and had a short but good night. We were all exhausted and called it a night fairly early.

So that’s the move. As I said, our new roommates, Brandon (Justin’s brother) and Candace (Brandon’s girlfriend), are here and we are very happy to have good roommates. I don’t think that I can say enough how pleased I am with how the living situation has gone so far. I know it’s only 2 weeks or so into it, but we’re definitely on the right track.

So that’s about it that’s new in the life of Jackie. Other than work and moving, nothing has really happened lately. I will be posting another blog either tonight or tomorrow with a separate theme. So stay tuned and see what’s up.

Love,
Jax