It just is.

I will be the first to admit that I am probably not the best friend anyone could have. I hate using phones. I hate confrontation. I am not good at making plans. I have little money to spend on going out places.

I’d like to think that I am at least a decent friend, however. I’d like to think that my friends feel as though I care about them. Just because I don’t call doesn’t mean I am not thinking about you. Just because I use the internet for communication doesn’t mean I’m a coward.

It was brought to my attention that I am not a good friend. It really took me by surprise to hear all the different ways that I have let someone down. I think the worst part about this was not knowing that I was hurting them throughout most of this.

I guess what I don’t understand with friendships is if and when something is wrong with me, why I am not getting told. If I am failing you as a friend, don’t let it build up to the point that you don’t want me as a friend at all. Let me know so that I can change to be a better friend.

I guess what hurts the most in this realization, is that I don’t have a lot of friends the way it is. I have 3-4 people back home who I had considered friends. Real friends. The ones that I expected to always be there and to always call me out when I was crappy. Out here, in Vegas, I have met people through work who are great and I would call them friends… but my friendships here haven’t reached that level of friendship that I thought I had with my ‘friends’ back home. To know that I have one less of those friendships is really hard to swallow.

So.. I suppose what I am saying is: If I’m doing something wrong please tell me. Know that just because I don’t call, doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you. Know that just because we haven’t talked for weeks or even a month or two, doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. Know that I am TERRIBLE at communication and that I’m working on it, but that doesn’t mean I’ll get better. Honestly. I want to be a good friend, I really do. I want to be the friend that you’re looking for.. but without guidance, I can’t be more than I am.

More often than not I feel that I can never give enough. No matter how hard I try to be a good friend, there’s something more I should have done to be better. And, again, I will be the first to say that as far as friendships and relationships in general go, I am not the best. I have a lot of growing to do.

So… all in all… if I have hurt you in any way, I apologize. Those of you who I am talking about most likely know who you are. I would never intentionally put a friendship on the rocks. I would never intentionally hurt someone. I’m just not that person. I’m doing the best I can. Take it or leave it.

Hopefully yours,
Jackie

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